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Why Men can't win...

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested
that men should take a look at their beer consumption,
considering the results of a recent analysis that
revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn
into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed
6 pints of beer each. It was then observed
that 100% of the men gained weight, talked
excessively without making sense, became overly
emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally,
argued over nothing, and refused to apologize
when wrong. No further testing is planned.



Why Men can't win...

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your
butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore







Why it's great to be a guy!

Your butt is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real......always.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Foreplay is optional.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's
just too icky.
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch
adjustments.
Wedding Dress ; Tux rental .
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice
anything different?"

And the #1 reason ...
One mood, all the time.





How to Impress a Woman

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Show up naked.
Bring beer.





Female Fantasy

In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men across the US were asked to identify woman's ultimate fantasy. 97.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.






Only in Kuwait

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about ten feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walk several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvellous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"






Women Jokes

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't have to know...there's a clock on the oven!

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the sink.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Why were shopping carts invented?
To teach women to walk on their hind legs.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"
The other replies: "GREAT trade!"

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.






Come Back Lines

Attention female readers! Are you sick and tired of those stupid old pick-up lines that men continue to use? Here are some great comebacks!

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?




Finally! A Blonde guy joke...


A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes in to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!





Blondes & Long Distance...


A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost she exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money!! But I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!" The man arched an eyebrow. "Anything?" "Yes, anything," the blonde promised. With that, the man said, "Follow me." He walked into the next room and ordered, "Come in and close the door." She did. He then said, "Get down on your knees." She did. Then he said, "Take down my zipper." She did. He said, "Go ahead....take it out." She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well....go ahead!" The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly "HELLO....MOM???"





Blondes...

One day after work, a blonde walked into a pizza parlor and ordered a small personal pizza. When it was finished, the waiter asked the blonde if she wanted it cut into four pieces or eight. The blonde thought a bit, and said "Better make it four, I'd never be able to eat eight."

Did you hear about the blonde who complained to the judge about her car being towed away? She told him there was a sign that said 'FINE FOR PARKING'



The Blonde Programmer & Y2K

I have finished the assignment you gave me. I don't know what all the big deal is about this Y to K problem. However, I have done as you requested and we are ready for the year 2000. Please note the following changes in our computer systems that make use of the calendar:

Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk ,

Also the days: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak.

This will take some getting used to, so I'd better start memorizing them

now in preparation for Januark 1, 2000.

 

 



The After Life



A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the
other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After
a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.

"Mary... Mary.... "

"Is that you Fred?"

"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."

"What is it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I
bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all
afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over
again."

"Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."


Dating vs Marriage



When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue. When you are married ...
You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband...... at all times

When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time. When you are
married ... He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"

When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public. When you are married
....He flicks your ear in public

When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad. When you are
married ...A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked. When
you are married ... You think to yourself...."Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay. When you are married ...
You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"

When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you ... for no
reason. When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets

When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old
together. When you are married ......You wonder who will die first

When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."
When you are married ... When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes
out.

When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is. When you are
married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area

When you are dating..... He understands if you "aren't in the mood." When
you are married ... He says "It's your job."

When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends. When
you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away

When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things. When you are
married ....He develops a "blank" stare

When you are dating..... He calls you by name. When you are married ... He
calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."



54 vs 18 vs 54



A 54-year-old accountant left this letter for his wife one evening:

Dear Wife (that's what he called her): I am 54 but by the time you read this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18-year-old secretary. When he arrived back home after his visit to the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read:

Dear Husband (that's what she called him): I, too, am 54 and by the time you read this letter I will still be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18-year old boy toy. You needn't wait up for me. Being an accountant, you can appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

The inner workings of the male mind...

There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one and see how each of them spent the money.

The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and told the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one took the and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned the original to the man and reinvested the rest. She said, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women had spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest boobs.







Love & Marriage

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They ..... for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... (She is speaking in a cheery voice) Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye. She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, Who was that? Oh she replies, that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you.

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says."OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death!"

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son I'm still paying for it.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck!"

Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is about 30 grand.

A man rushed home from work and exclaimed to his wife. "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!" The wife excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?" He says, "Pack'em all, you're leaving!"

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish....