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ETHNIC JOKES The Official St. Leonard Dictionary For those of you who do not live in Montreal, I guess you can figure out that St. Leonard is where alot of Italians live, they have their own vocabulary. I think this is pretty fun!!! (Yes this constitutes propagation of the stereotype but the laughs are well worth it, read on!) aieee: sound made to indicate " You can't be serious" Joe: I drank 57 shots last night. Tony: Aieee! There he goes, zaggerating* again! * see zaggerate alla masse: mispronocuation of the French "en masse" At the wedding, there was food a la masse! all kinds: 1.many, alot , several Mingia* the guy's making all kinds of money! * see mingia 2. everyone Joe: Who was there last night? Tony: Mi....All kinds! There was Tony, Joe, Gino, Mary.... Boh: sound made to indicate "I don't know" Girl: Where did Mommy go? Brother: Boh, how should I know! Bod'uh dem: both of them Which one do you want? You want bod'uh dem? but but used at the end of a sentence It was pouring that time we went camping....we had a nice time but. more by down dere: in that direction Lady: S'cuse me...but where's Bonanza? Young guy: Aieee...more by down dere: Color: flavour What color ice cream* you want....grape? Embomballated: from the english "discombobulate", confused,disoriented When the soccer ball hit me in the head, I was embombollated. Eryting everything A big plate like dat, the the guy ....he ate eryting. Husher an usher, specifically at a wedding I have to rent a tux pecuz* I;m a husher at my cousin's wedding. *see pecuz Mingia (also meenkia, meezeenga, meeee, maiee, etc) from the Italian word crudely referring to female genitalia. Often used as a swear word, also, expression of surprise or xclamation. pecuz: (also, eh pecuz) because Mike: What did you do yesterday night? Mary:Na-ting* Mike: Why? Mary: Eh Pecuz my budder, so stupid, he took off with da car *see na-ting Irono: I don't know Joe: I heard you had an accident Mario: Mingia*, Joe, irono what happened but the van hit mycar. Shkoff: to wolf down, to eat with vigor You guys, I'm starving...let's go shkoff. Zaggerate: exaggerate Ebonics Exam Leroy is a 20-year old 9th grader. This is Leroy's mid-term exam. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence. FORECLOSE If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money foreclose RECTUM I had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady rectum both. HOTEL I gave my girlfriend crabs and the hotel everybody. DISAPPOINTMENT My parole officer tol me if I miss disappointment theygonna send me back to da big house. PENIS I went to the doctor and he handed me a cup and said penis. ISRAEL Alonzo tried to sell me a Rolex, I said man that looks fake. He said na man; that watch israel. CATACOMB Don King was at the fight the other night, man somebody oughts to give dat catacomb. UNDERMINE There is a fine looking hoe living in da apartment undermine. ACOUSTIC When I was liddle my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to da pool hall. IRAQ When we got to the pool hall, I tol my uncle, Iraq u break. STAIN My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her is you plannin' on stain for dinner? SELDOM My cousin gave me two tickets to the Nicks game, so I seldom. HONOR At the rape trial the judge axed my buddy, who was honor first. ODYSSEY I tol my brother you odyssey the boobs on that babe. AXE The policeman wanted to axe me some questions. TRIPOLI I was going to buy my ol' lady a bra for her birthday, but I couldn't find a tripoli. FORTIFY I axed the hoe how much? She said fortify. INCOME I just got into bed with the hoe and income my wife. |
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MEN 25 inches A guy goes to see a doctor because he's ... well, a little too well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long. He can't get any women to have sex with him. The doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help. The witch takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter." Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog. The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No." The guy looks down and, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great, he thinks let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog. The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!" Twitch - the guy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Will you marry me?" The frog yells back, "Look how many times do I have to tell you? NO. NO. NO!" |
| MISC An Accountant Joke A woman walked into an accountant's office and told him that she needed to file her taxes. The accountant said, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He got her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asked, "What is your occupation?" The woman replied, "I'm a whore." The accountant balked and said, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman said, "OK, I'm a prostitute." "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman stated, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asked, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year!" |
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POLITICS Six Presidents on a sinking Ship.... Six presidents on a sinking ship: Ford : "What do we do?!" Bush : "Man the lifeboats!" Reagan : "What lifeboats?" Carter : "Women first!" Nixon : "Screw the women!" Clinton : "You think we have time?" Clinton goes to Hell Clinton dies and goes to hell. The devil meets him at the entrance and tells him that he has his choice of 3 rooms. In room #1 is Newt Gingrich, grinning evilly, with whips and chains and torture equipment. In room #2 is Rush Limbaugh, grinning evilly, with whips and chains and torture equipment. In room #3 is Independant Council Ken Starr, smoking a cigar, and receiving oral sex from Monica Lewinsky. "Gee, room #3 doesn't look so bad!!!," Clinton thinks, and tells the devil, "I'll take that room!" "OK Monica," says the devil "You can go now, your replacement is here!" |
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WISDOM Facts you should know... Facts you should know If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!) If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?) On average people fear spiders more than they do death. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....) You can't kill yourself by holding your breath. Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza everyday. Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie. You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?) In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did the gov't pay for this research??) Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew....?,Who cares!) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. That makes the catfish #1 for the animal having the most taste buds. The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. (Creepy!) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....") Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig... quality over quantity!) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, geez!) Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. A cat's urine glows under a blacklight. An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.(I know some people like that.) Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too!) After reading all these, all I can say is..."Damn Pigs"!!! Moral of the Story There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away, but he had eaten too much and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top the handle and jumped off thinking once airborne that he could take off flying. Unfortunately, he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splating when he hit the ground. The moral of the story is: "Never fly off the handle when you know that you're full of shit." Young Wisdom - Out of the Mouths of Babes A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom." Another three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet." On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?" A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal." Can people predict the future with cards? My mother can. Really? Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home. A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?" A four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer. She was reciting it all by herself without help from her mother. She said, "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail. AMEN." |
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RELIGION Jesus is watching Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot, "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller,right behind you, Jesus." The Nun takes the Taxi... A nun entered a cab and the driver was staring at her. She asked him why he was staring, and he answers "I want to ask you a question but I don't want to offend you." She said, "You can't offend me. Not as old as I am and as long as I have been a nun. I have heard just about everything." The cab driver said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job." She said, "Well, let's see what we can work out. You have to be single and have to be Catholic." The cab driver replied, "Oh, I'm single and I am Catholic!" She said, "OK, pull into that alley," and he did. She did her thing and back on the street again, the cab driver started crying and she said, "My child, what's the matter?" He said, "Sister, I have sinned, I lied, I lied. I'm married and I'm Jewish." She said, "That's okay. My name is Steve and I'm on my way to a Costume Party." |
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KIDS Poor little guy... A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him go down to the principal's office, he was to phone his mother, and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and he returned to the classroom, where he sat down in his seat. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom." she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school..." 10 summer camps you shouldn't send your kids to... David Letterman Says..... 10 Tommy Lee's Camp Kickachickee 9 Lorrena Bobbit's Camp Cutaweewee 8 Tanya Harding's Camp Whackaneenee 7 Kenneth Starr's Camp Catchacrookee 6 Louis Farrakhan's Camp Killawhitey 5 O.J. Simpson's Camp Killachickee 4 Michael Jackson's Camp Grabbakiddie 3 President Clinton's Camp Getahoochie 2 Ellen DeGeneres' Camp Lickacoochie And the number 1 camp not to send your kid to: 1 Monica Lewinsky's Camp Suckaweewee Young Wisdom - Out of the Mouths of Babes A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom." Another three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet." On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?" A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal." Can people predict the future with cards? My mother can. Really? Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home. A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?" A four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer. She was reciting it all by herself without help from her mother. She said, "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail. AMEN." |